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A Letter to my 20-year-old Self

Look at you! Innocent, confused and broken. A lot had happened to you but you had already started a long journey to who I am today. The road was not easy. What you went through then cannot be compared to what I went through.

I am sorry for the pain that you had gone through but you have no idea what I went through from that moment.

You trust easy and love too much. You want to make everyone happy. It doesn’t work like that dear! Don’t you know that you are beautiful? You look for acknowledgement from other people now look at me. It’s now hard for me to trust and love again thanks to you.

Don’t get me wrong! I am not angry because it’s not your fault. You lack guidance because your guardians are busy with their lives. Mum is still trying to cope with the loss of her husband and I understand you don’t want to bother her. She is busy running around to see that you and your siblings eat and go to school.

I wish you knew what I now know because you would never give anyone a chance to waste you and abuse you. I know you have big dreams. Crazy ones too. People  laugh at your dreams but do not worry about them.

Thank you for dreaming big and believing in yourself. Resources were limited but you had to take that route lest you strain mummy. Well done for that! She is now a happy woman. Well respected among many in the community for raising you and your siblings.

You are focused and I admire your spirit. You know what you want and you don’t let anything distract you. As for me now, I want none of that no more. Life has been so cruel to me and everything seems to be a distraction. I always gain my strength from you. You are my source of inspiration.

I miss you most of the time especially that fine body you have. Coming up from a poor family, food was limited and restricted as you know . I killed myself with food when life got better. Now I am struggling to get to where you are. I have gone to gyms, boot camps and dieticians but nothing seems to work. They say I look just fine now but they don’t know you.

I have come to terms with the fact that I might never look the way you look. It is really funny. You like to be chubby and you envy those with big behinds and boobs. You don’t know that eventually you will have them too. You don’t have to eat too much though. Look at me I am struggling to lose weight. My boobs are now too big, they look like I breastfeed the whole village. Whatever happened to them I still don’t know. They draw unnecessary attention I should say. I hate it when men talk to me looking at them instead of my face. That’s a struggle I have to live with.

Let me not say much. You might think I am showing off. You should know that I have a lot to say. Things have improved a lot. You are too quiet and reserved yet you have a lot to say. A lot of people take advantage of that but not anymore. I am now wiser.  A lot of people now approach me cautiously because of the woman I have become. They think first before they talk to me.

It pains me that I will never see you again but such is life. Heart breaking it is, that we will never meet again. You wanted so much to grow older you didn’t know that it’s not easy. Ask me one day I will tell you about it.

I miss you and love you

Carol is an author, a blogger and a qualified teacher. She loves to pen articles about life's struggles, challenges and anything else going on in her head.